Hi, my name is Kristen, and I’m a hoarder.
Not like a crazy, needs-medication, has-her-own-A&E-show hoarder, but a hoarder nonetheless. I hoard clothes. I hoard makeup. I hoard anything that I can convince myself I’ll need someday.
My hoarding started when I was a mere youngster, but I called it ‘collecting’.
I’d tour people around my room. “This is my pencil collection. This is my teddy bear collection. This is my rock collection.”
“Kristen, that’s a bag of gravel.”
“No it’s my ROCK COLLECTION”
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I did eventually put the rocks (ok, fine, it was gravel) back in the driveway, but now I hoard clothes. I have a huge problem with buying single pieces but not outfits; I’ll buy an ugly shirt simply because it’s on sale for $2.98; I’ll pick out a dress and be like I COULD TOTALLY WEAR THIS TO THE OPERA IF FOR SOME REASON I EVER WAS IN A PLACE WHERE THERE WAS AN OPERA.
And thaaaaat’s why 85% of my closet consists of things I don’t even wear.
I’ve got things I know I’ll never need. I’ve got things I don’t even like. But I’m so cheap that I won’t throw anything out before getting the proper mileage out of it, so they’re all just in the closet with the tags on them, waiting for the day where I pull them out for my future kids to wear to some obscene Let’s-Butcher-An-Entire-Decade-In-One-Night Party.
Like these clothes.
And these elephant pants.
To be fair, I really thought that these pants were the epitome of trendy and cool. I snatched them off the rack. I ran into the dressing room. I took selfies like there was no tomorrow.
The only thing I neglected to do with the pants was sit down in them.
Had I tried to sit down, I would have realized that it was next to impossible, given that they’re made of fabric that was imported straight from hell.
Probable conversation with myself: “I should make sure that this fabric actually allows me to move. But first, let me take a selfie” and then I got distracted by picking a filter (I wanted to look tan.)
At least that’s what I assume happened. It’s been so long since I bought them that I forget the actual circumstances.
.
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Things I buy almost daily: a latte, maybe a snack, and a new scarf.
10% of my closet is dedicated to scarves.
And shoes.
I can’t stop buying these stupid booties. They all hurt my feet, but I keep looking for more. Apparently, I’m under the impression that a decent pair of booties will solve all my life’s problems. So far, none have solved anything.
I wonder if I should buy more… Yes, that should work.
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The remaining 5% of my closet are the Things Kristen Actually Wears, which is basically skinny jeans, jersey blazers, and loose t-shirts. I mean, I have a drawer full of yoga pants too, but to categorize them with everything else just seems like we’re saying that yoga pants are only clothing.
PSA: Yoga pants are so much more than just clothing. YOGA PANTS ARE LIFE. And children, if anyone ever tells you any differently, you can just go ahead and smack them right in their dumb face. You don’t need to be hearing those lies.
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Anyway, I’m Kristen.
I hoard things.
(I’m working on it.)
A Little Kristen 